I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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