dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
