My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
