when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
