K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
