I faked an abortion last night.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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