If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
