The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
