Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
