16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just found puke in my bra..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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