i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
