why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
