I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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