you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
false alarm, still single
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize