Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
