I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
