he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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