saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize