Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If I die, sorry about rent.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
