I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
