This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
