i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Randomize
