My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
