I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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