im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My feet surprised me
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