He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm too high and old for this...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
