I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
