I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
