There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I need water and some morals
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
