i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
