My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
