two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
