Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
im holly from the hills drunk
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
