We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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