i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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