i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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