She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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