Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
