there's paper in my vomit.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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