Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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