I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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