i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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