How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
