I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
