dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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