I just threw up on my dentist
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There r osticjed everywhere
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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