I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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