Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
