I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
