The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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