So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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