all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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