woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I didn't notice because vodka
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
