i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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