Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
