dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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