I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
