based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
