someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
