dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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