he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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